The Happy, The Confusing, The Angry

There are lots of things to think about today, many of they I won't talk about, but will write about.
We'll start with the ANGRY:
1. Jealousy, It makes me furious when people try to make me do worse, act like I'm not losing weight, try to get me to cheat, but this is when I am the strongest! These are the people that I will silently thank in my head once I reach my goal weight. Now that I'm not FAT anymore, people are acting like I shouldn't lose anymore weight. Some eat MORE than Andy (yes it's possible I have seen it) and then say they will go run for 10 minutes, while trying to shove food into my face to make me fail. My favorite is... Well you can't be smaller than me... then we tried on stuff and I am! I even came out of the dressing room to show how the smaller size fit me perfectly while buttoning up was impossible on a bigger size for her. Umf! Be jealous on your own time! and don't try to put me down because I'm running a lot and eating healthy! That's why I'm losing. It's not like I'm naturaly skinny! I've heard is that all you're going to eat? Yes because that is a proper portion! When are you gonna eat some real food? Like fajitas for 2 with extra shells Tons of sour cream guacamole and most of the chips and salsa.(I have seen it all disappear in one sitting) no thanks I think I'll pass on the extra 10lbs.
2. More JEALOUSY. Why do people always want what I have. I never want what YOU have! Maybe if you'd get better stuff I would want it! I've had to knock chicks off of Andy since the day we met, but now that the wedding gets closer, it's like ALL WOMEN are freaking out and want to steal him, this will never happen. Andy loves me more than football! He loves me more than deer! He even loves me so much he said he will go horse back riding in the mountains with me! (He HATES horses more than anything! even more than Bats) He loves everything about me! even when I got fat! He's 100 times sweeter at home, even loving things that I love because I love them (like my kitties) He gives me hugs and loves on me and sends me sweet e-mails, and bosses me around! and buys me suprises, and takes care of me! and gives me everything I want! It's a little hard to ignore all of the crazy freaks, but once we leave an area, these people are never thought of again. I just wonder if it will get worse once we are married? Don't these chicks watch Opera and Dr. Phil! They NEED to! Lol!

The HAPPY
1. Today I am down 21.6 since last August. I only have 20 more lbs to go. My goal weight is not the skinniest I've been, but the weight I was 5 years ago when I met Andy. This weight allows me to look good in a bikini, no rolls, and still keep the "goods" When I first started and I had 40 lbs to lose it was very overwhelming. 40lbs is a LOT. Now, I think about 20 more and that's nothing. I am 20 lbs overweight! I can live with that! But now that I know how I personally should lose weight I will work until it's all gone! I've lost a bunch! That's 20 packages of hamburger meat. I can't even bicep curl 20 lbs! I wanted to lose 20 before the wedding and I have! That's what is so rewarding. I set a goal and I met it! I have tried for about 5 years to lose all the extra baggage and now I am! Exciting
2. 23 days left until I am Mrs. Crystal Knight! As the wedding approaches Andy becomes sweeter and sweeter! We are both very excited. The wedding doesn't excite him as much as me but our honeymoon activities do! All that is left for the wedding is confirmation! Things must be picked up, payed for, planned, but all small things.
3. I have a super fun suprise for Andy's B-day this weekend, it just cases for me to keep some secrets, steal something, and do a tiny little illegal thing. The plan goes down TOMORROW. I'll put a cherry on top and he will LOVE IT! Let's hope I don't get caught!

The CONFUSING
1. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see the extra 20lbs still on. Some sort of mental distortion. Although the scale and sizes say I'm smaller, every now and then It's like my mind is remembering... and in the mirror I have not lost any weight. I have heard people talk about this body dismorphic thing, but never thought it was like this. This is REAL, when I look in the mirror I am super fat again. Sometimes I look great. This is the majority of the time, I will look in the mirror and go WOW! I can't believe I have lost that much! Very strange and confusing, like the mirror is telling me lies to be mean!

When will it END!

The dieting.... The agony.... The hunger. Leaves me crawling on the floor with little energy... my last word slowly whispered... "Cheese B...u.r.g...e..r." I'm so tired of stressing over how many calories? how much protein? Not eating enough fat. Can't eat sugar! Why can't the rest of the world just eat 10 cheeseburgers a day, then I would be the skinniest woman in the WORLD! So I think I'll spend the rest of the day coming up with some addicting new receipe to make the world instantly fat... Perhaps I should add something highly addicting... Or maybe I should just be happy that I can afford the tons of food that made me fat! After all I heard there were starving children in Africa. They would think I was RICH if they saw big girl walking down the street. Or perhaps they'd jump me thinking I was a piggy... I think I'll put $2.00 in a jar everytime I want to cheat on my diet that'll teach me! But first I need to find an organization for the starving kids... somewhere to donate my millions that will end up in that jar!
It's only about 20 more pounds to go... NOT BAD! NOT BAD!

P.S. The wedding dress makes me look fat, not my fat, but the dress!!:)

Feeling Good in the Neighborhood

I started the Nutrisystem two weeks ago, mainly out of desperation and because I loved Joe Millionaire... Well the truth is that it works just like the commercial says. I've dropped 5.4lbs in 2 weeks with little effort and some cheating, that I couldn't help (Morgan's 1st B-day party. I have also been sick with a severe kidney infection, that the doctor informed me "if it hurts anymore than it does now go to the ER" So running and weights is the last thing on my mind this week. Yet it's melting away, like it was never there in the beginning. This morning I looked in the mirror, very please with myself, after seeing the scale say numbers that I had forgotten exisited (I think I learned them in Kindergarten) I am at the goal I said months ago that I HAD to get to before the wedding. Although I am VERY pleased with myself and my current condition, I think I'll be pulling for bikini season and 30 less lbs. My hair is actually growing again! Thanks to the botin vitamins I have been taking! and all wedding duties are now falling right into place! And to top everything off I might have a day off tomorrow! IF it really does snow! Could I have a better day?

A Question from Marital Counseling.

We had to fill out a sheet on our beliefs about God. One of the questions was inspiring, yet funny. It read, "What would you say to God if he asked you why he should let you into his heaven." My mind immediately fell into fits of childish thoughts. Most of which my mother would call "disrespectful" as she always did when I sang the Happy Birthday Song to Jesus on Christmas. A tradition I have lived up to for several years. Am I the only one to sing him Happy Birthday? This year it was followed with "How Oold R U...How Oold R U." I know he laughs up there at me (I'm sure he laughs at me everyday) but he knows I'm thinking about him, and making everyone in the room think and remember too. So knowing that it may be taken as disrespectful I answered seriously. My real answers were as follows:
1. Cause man... didn't we just talk about this this morning? You said you would let me in quit playin'
2. Don't be stingy! Share your Heaven.
3. Now you know I ain't going down there...
4. My mom was right... The song WAS disrespectful.
5. Remember when you told me to talk to that homeless man and give him $5 and you told me you would let me in? Even though I couldn't been snatched up! SO I've already paid admission.
6. Our my nine lives REALLY over?
7. Man don't you remember all the animals I took in? Don't tell me all that cat hair and litter box cleaning was for nothin'
8. Hey the apple thing... Not my fault.
9. I think I have my ticket here somewhere...
10.Cause I have derived a formula to make anything you say a Christmas song or Christian song. You take whatever phrase someone just said + 'cause it's Christmas Wha La Instant Christmas song. The same goes for Christian song. Just add "for Jesus" It doesn't matter that they are just talking It only matters that you SING the added phrase. Enjoy!
11. Because I have taught every pet I have ever owned about Jesus and they are all waiting for me and it's like over 12 animals and I know you are tired of taking care of them. Esp. the Squirrel.
12. Hey man I haven't been good 4 nothin'

These would all be very effective in my process of getting past the BIG MAN. He'd then do our secret handshake that only me and Jesus know.(We have been working on it for years now). Now this is my relationship with God. Strange as it may seem. Me and God are TIGHT! Sometimes people call us Shrimp and Grits cause we aren't the same with out each other. But on a more serious note it is a question we will prob. be asked and is hard to think of the responses. What would the average every day person's answer be?

End of a Beautiful Thing = A Beautiful beginning

Let me tell you something about getting married. It's a wonderful celebration, that has given me some growing up skills. Learning to plan all this for just one day. Spending money on things you only use once. I think of all the things Andy and I have been through, college, fights, tragedies, hospital visits, long distance relationship, new nephews and nieces, death. How funny that the bad times and good times would bring us closer. I never thought love would be like this. Better than I imagined. How can you tell someone everything, even really embarrassing things that you wouldn't even tell your sister! How can they still love you after hearing some of them?!With only 6 months left until the big day a tragedy struck me and my future husband. After years of struggling with breast cancer my future mother-in-law passed away. This happened only a week and a half ago, and still doesn't seem real to us. No one knew the extent of what she was dealing with b/c she didn't want anyone to worry. So this came as a huge shock to all of us. Although we are still disarrayed, we continue to live our lives, and expect in the future to live more freely and wild, as she always did. Of all the things she taught me, and all the things she'll never get to teach me, the most important is something we all know we should , but truely don't appreciate. Life. It's something that we all have given to us on a silver platter. We expect it to always be there, and are surprised when it's not. Many of us get stuck in the daily routine of life, forgetting to enjoy it, worrying about all the thing you "have to do" never thinking about what you "what to do". Mary Carol wasn't like that. She brushed off the worries of daily life, of her cancer, and lived life to the fullest. She was always in a different state everytime we called her on the weekends. Andy would ask what are you doing? I would eagerly wait to hear what crazy place she visiting. The first day I met her, after worrying myself sick, I left thinking wow. Andy, my fiance, asked me what I thought. I said she's like a big smilie face, and she was. Always smiling, always laughing, but never surpised by anything. Comforting and peaceful. If you were down she'd bring you up, but not on purpose, just because you couldn't help but be happy around her. The last few days weren't like this, she was out of it. When looking back I can barely remember the hours in the hospital. What even happened? I try to remember because that may be the only thing I have left to tell me that it's real. But I just keep seeing her, smiling, laughing, making me potato casserole when I was sick, buying me Nicholas Sparks books when I had my wisdom teeth taken out, asking her dog, ok?, like she would answer back, ROKAY. I think of how she never wanted to miss or waist a moment in time, and all the things she'll miss now. The saddest thing of all is that she'll miss the happiest day of my life, MAY 5th 2007.