When will it END!

The dieting.... The agony.... The hunger. Leaves me crawling on the floor with little energy... my last word slowly whispered... "Cheese B...u.r.g...e..r." I'm so tired of stressing over how many calories? how much protein? Not eating enough fat. Can't eat sugar! Why can't the rest of the world just eat 10 cheeseburgers a day, then I would be the skinniest woman in the WORLD! So I think I'll spend the rest of the day coming up with some addicting new receipe to make the world instantly fat... Perhaps I should add something highly addicting... Or maybe I should just be happy that I can afford the tons of food that made me fat! After all I heard there were starving children in Africa. They would think I was RICH if they saw big girl walking down the street. Or perhaps they'd jump me thinking I was a piggy... I think I'll put $2.00 in a jar everytime I want to cheat on my diet that'll teach me! But first I need to find an organization for the starving kids... somewhere to donate my millions that will end up in that jar!
It's only about 20 more pounds to go... NOT BAD! NOT BAD!

P.S. The wedding dress makes me look fat, not my fat, but the dress!!:)

A Question from Marital Counseling.

We had to fill out a sheet on our beliefs about God. One of the questions was inspiring, yet funny. It read, "What would you say to God if he asked you why he should let you into his heaven." My mind immediately fell into fits of childish thoughts. Most of which my mother would call "disrespectful" as she always did when I sang the Happy Birthday Song to Jesus on Christmas. A tradition I have lived up to for several years. Am I the only one to sing him Happy Birthday? This year it was followed with "How Oold R U...How Oold R U." I know he laughs up there at me (I'm sure he laughs at me everyday) but he knows I'm thinking about him, and making everyone in the room think and remember too. So knowing that it may be taken as disrespectful I answered seriously. My real answers were as follows:
1. Cause man... didn't we just talk about this this morning? You said you would let me in quit playin'
2. Don't be stingy! Share your Heaven.
3. Now you know I ain't going down there...
4. My mom was right... The song WAS disrespectful.
5. Remember when you told me to talk to that homeless man and give him $5 and you told me you would let me in? Even though I couldn't been snatched up! SO I've already paid admission.
6. Our my nine lives REALLY over?
7. Man don't you remember all the animals I took in? Don't tell me all that cat hair and litter box cleaning was for nothin'
8. Hey the apple thing... Not my fault.
9. I think I have my ticket here somewhere...
10.Cause I have derived a formula to make anything you say a Christmas song or Christian song. You take whatever phrase someone just said + 'cause it's Christmas Wha La Instant Christmas song. The same goes for Christian song. Just add "for Jesus" It doesn't matter that they are just talking It only matters that you SING the added phrase. Enjoy!
11. Because I have taught every pet I have ever owned about Jesus and they are all waiting for me and it's like over 12 animals and I know you are tired of taking care of them. Esp. the Squirrel.
12. Hey man I haven't been good 4 nothin'

These would all be very effective in my process of getting past the BIG MAN. He'd then do our secret handshake that only me and Jesus know.(We have been working on it for years now). Now this is my relationship with God. Strange as it may seem. Me and God are TIGHT! Sometimes people call us Shrimp and Grits cause we aren't the same with out each other. But on a more serious note it is a question we will prob. be asked and is hard to think of the responses. What would the average every day person's answer be?